The Audacity of Nope

October 5, 2008

It got late early and the Cubs just gave us more of the same. In what was thought to be a change postseason for Major League Baseball, the North Side nihilists ended up giving hope the finger. The curse will not be reversed.

Can somebody write an immigration bill that will deport Manny Ramirez?

Can somebody write an immigration bill that will deport Manny Ramirez?

While an October surprise proved fatal to the Cubs, its electoral influence remains unknown. The GOP (Government of the Preposterous) is deploying a hit-and-run strategy and will swing at anything – Ayers, Islam, race – just to get back into the game. The signals Sarah Palin is winking through the screen also reveal an End of Days strategy and not so intelligently designed approach to bring evangelicals back to the plate.

As Cubs fans, we really have nothing to fear. We understand what it is like to live through an apocalypse and come out stronger. We just did it and will want to do it again. When hot stove discussions begin in a couple months, Barack Obama will be President Elect and the rest of us will be obsessing over next year’s lead off hitter. There is no other way.


A promise to never again believe has as much merit as lower taxes for everyone and universal healthcare by opening day. As Cubs fans, we are genetically wired to believe that next year will always be the year. Ironically, this is the only part of Darwin’s theory that we share with much of the republican base. You see it is possible to touch both ideological bases at once.


A pilot light of hope remains with Bears, a former occupant of Wrigley Field who today took a statistically significant lead in the NFC North polls. Kyle Orton, a hybrid driving hippie and sometime organizer for the democratic party, is emerging as the team’s first legit quarterback since the Truman Administration. Their defense blows away anything put together by Don Rumsfeld.

With a wide open field of candidates, we now must debate the Bears chances of winning the big one. The inauguration is only two days after the NFC Championship, so it’s best to plan these things early. If anything, the double fantasy of Barack Obama being leader of a free world in which the Bears are champions will give us something to do until pitchers and catchers report in February.


It starts and ends with Obama and the Bears.

It starts and ends with Obama and the Bears.

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Blue State Patriotism Hits Home with ObamaCubs.com Merchandise

September 26, 2008

As lawmakers and the Executive Branch take their bailout battle into extra innings, ObamaCubs.com is offering an economic stimulus package of its own. By investing in our tee shirts, hats and bumper stickers, you will reinforce consumer confidence while helping to hit our ideological agenda out of the park.

 

Show your pride in ObamaCubs.com and visit our store today!

 

 


Entering Homestretch, Reality Strikes Back

September 23, 2008

While it has yet to get late early, Obama and the Cubs enter the fall well-positioned to win their complete games.

 

Having pitched their way out of recent jams, both can now focus on the heart of the world order. As we approach the September 26 Presidential Debate at the University of Mississippi (or the proposed rescheduled debate at Miller Park) and the October 1 opener of the National League Divisional Series at The Friendly Confines, ObamaCubs.com serves up some advice.

 

Only Karlrovian Kryptonite and a colossally cruel curse stand in the way of victory.

Only Karlrovian Kryptonite and a colossally cruel curse stand in the way of victory.

The Best Defense is a Good Offense: The Obama candidacy could sprinkle in a few hit and runs on McCain. The meat of McCain’s economic line-up – Keating, Graham, Fiorina – can no longer reach first base in the current economic environment. Now is the time for Obama to pull one to right and allow free markets to drill those who got us into this mess before they steal all of our homes.

 

Don’t Snatch Defeat from the Jaws of Victory:  Call it the bizarro Ernie Banks. Avoid the “lets play two” debacle of the Cubs not at least making it to the World Series and the democrats not reclaiming the White House. There is enough distance between the Cubs and the rest of the National League that only a cursed past, present and future could deny them the votes on the field to reach the fall classic. For Obama, if he can’t defeat the republicans after eight years of war and financial disaster, than he is destined for a minor league post in the capital house in Springfield.

 

Have Fun: In addition to being a national and civic diversion during our time of economic crises, don’t forget that baseball is still a game and the purpose is to have fun out there. Cubs’ players shouldn’t worry about Tribune Co. paying them with food stamps after the company defaults later this year. Obama did OK growing up on food stamps. The future is now.

 

Fire Peanut Tillman: Obama should not allow McCain to one-up him when it comes to delivering unauthorized pink slips to those who have no direct culpability to the problems at hand. If you can’t fire Tillman for his egregious error against the Bucs on Sunday, mention in the debates that you would support capital punishment in the cases of murder, tax evasion, and committing an unnecessary unsportsmanlike conduct with the game on the line in overtime.

 

We will always love you Peanut, but one more bone-head play like Sunday and you shall be impeached from the Bears’ secondary.

We will always love you Peanut, but one more bone-head play like Sunday and you shall be impeached from the Bears’ secondary.


Time for Obama to Flash His No Hit Stuff

September 15, 2008

While lipstick can only pump up a pig for so long, our scary September swoon was thankfully slaughtered for good on Sunday night in the Milwaukee mud.

 

If you had doubts about Wisconsin landing in the Blue column this November, fear not. Twenty-three thousand true believers who took a pilgrimage to Wrigleyville North witnessed history.

 

Who needs a shoulder MRI when you have God on your side?

While it is debatable what place our Lord has in guiding foreign policy, we have no problem with Carlos Zambrano mixing church with the state of his fastball. His no-hit performance on September 14 was a revelation.

While it is debatable what place our Lord has in guiding foreign policy, we have no problem with Carlos Zambrano mixing church with the state of his fastball. His no-hit performance on September 14 was a revelation.

Zambrano no-hitting George H. Bush’s favorite team was not as much a shock as a recognition that the Cubs are on a mission and ultimately will not be beat. With their postseason magic number now in single digits, the Cubs can no focus on their crucial October diamond debates.

 

As for Obama, his campaign has withstood weeks of being pulled back by the antlers yet remains tied in the polls with decided advantage in crucial swing states. Just as the Cubs lost several straight before getting their mojo back, Obama must find his footing from within to reclaim his championship mantle. While he might want to throw a couple high and inside to brush back McCain and Co. from the plate, Obama’s real strength is painting the corners between ideology and inspiration.

 

Ultimately, all he needs to do is aim his pitches at the bat of eight years of tired, dysfunctional policies and allow any of McCain’s drives to die in the atmospherics of real change. It is easy to play defense when all the drives against you are aimed at right field.

 

Now is the time for the Junior Senator from Illinois to call his shot and grab victory from those who are still on the fence.


Fighting Words: McCain’s Battle Scars a Walk in the Park Compared to Cubbie Blues

September 5, 2008

The mitts are coming off.

 

After a conventional double header that showcased political narratives from both left and right fields, it is now time to decide on a national cleanup hitter. Lost in the Mile High Obamathon and ideological Iditarod, however, is the real debate we must address in the coming months. Who has persevered through more adversity, Hanoi Hilton alum John McCain or the legions of Cubs fans that have rooted in vein?

 

Mark Prior did not need to be shot down by the Vietnamese to lose full strength in his arms and shoulders. We have all suffered as a result.

Mark Prior did not need to be shot down by the Vietnamese to lose full strength in his arms and shoulders. We have all suffered as a result.

While ObamaCubs.com respects the Senior Senator from Arizona’s patriotism and prolonged sacrifice at bat for our freedom, John McCain’s biography should not be used to throw a curve ball around his Bush League voting record. If McCain’s campaign wants to exploit his years as a POW to win an election, the least we can do here in the peanut gallery is debate where his suffering fits in the overall lineup of national sacrifice.

 

Cubs’ fans, collectively speaking, have a century-long reservoir of pain, suffering, and unyielding commitment to their cause. Just as we thought scars from the 1969, 1984, and 2003 campaigns were beginning to wear off, the Cubs offense this month has gone AWOL and 40 percent of its starting rotation has landed in a MASH unit. All we have is hope, and hope shall carry us to the Promised Land (until it doesn’t).

 

Nobody else in America can really feel our pain. Yet our belief in a better tomorrow is unyielding, and not thrown out at home by a Karl Rove focus group. Can yesterday’s hero say the same thing?

McCain owns a piece of the Arizona Diamondbacks and could not fathom spending a decade (much less a century) not seeing his team win it all.

McCain owns a piece of the Arizona Diamondbacks and could not fathom spending a decade (much less a century) not seeing his team win it all.


Cubs and Obama Brace for September Storm

September 3, 2008

Nobody ever said pulling off a Double Fantasy of hope would be easy.

 

As the Cubs try to avoid sliding head first into another historically tragic “occurrence”, the Obama campaign must learn to respectfully debate and counterpunch our nation’s new spokesperson for conservative creationism. The double steal McCain and Co. are trying to pull off with their selection of Sarah Palin makes one almost nostalgic for compassionate conservatism. Almost…

 

McCain and Palin seen here on the campaign trail failing to get their signs in synch. Who can blame them for not yet being on the same page? They’ve spent less time together in the last year than Ronnie Woo Woo and his orthodontist.

McCain and Palin seen here on the campaign trail failing to get their signs in synch. Who can blame them for not yet being on the same page? They’ve spent less time together in the last year than Ronnie Woo Woo and his orthodontist.

Before making plans to move to a part of the world that both values scientific reasoning and can care less about Major League Baseball, rejoice in the fact that the fundamentals of both campaigns this fall our on our side. Despite this week’s pseudo pageantry in the Twin Cities, the Republican party today is about as popular as David Kingman was in The Friendly Confines a generation ago after blowing off  his own tee-shirt day. It will take several stadiums of hockey moms to win the electoral Stanley Cup in November.

As for the Cubs, their lineup from top to bottom is as strong as there is in the National League if not all of baseball. Their pitching, assuming Carlos Zambrano’s right shoulder isn’t impeached in the next eight weeks, is solid from their front line of starters through a mostly stingy bullpen. While their lead over the also slumping Brewers is not insurmountable, the team’s nine game advantage in Wildcard polling can help us skate through a September surprise of mediocrity.

 

All of this said, the Cubbies, like the democrats, have a history of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Accordingly, as a convention week tribute to Governor Palin, ObamaCubs.com is asking its supporters to ignore the day-to-day realities they see in front of them and rely on prayer and the hand of God to guide us past home plate.

With the face of a champion, Carlos Marmol is poised to deliver us all to the promised land.

With the face of a champion, Carlos Marmol is poised to deliver us all to the promised land.

 

 

 

 


Obama, Cubs Nail Grand Slam Performances

August 30, 2008

We live in groovy times.

 

Anybody who believes it is a coincidence that Aramis Ramirez hit a game-winning Grand Slam the very hour Barack Obama accepted his nomination for the presidency is seeing the world as it is rather than what it is destined to be.

 

Thanks to Ramirez, getting into the playoffs this year won’t be such a dogfight.

Thanks to Ramirez, getting into the playoffs this year won’t be such a dogfight.

The double header impossibility of Barack Obama running a free world in which the Cubs are the World Champions is looking more likely by the inning. While the Cubs are on pace to win more than 100 games, Obama is surging to mile high heights of his own.

 

As the nation enjoys its brief intermission between political conventions, the wind is at the back of the Obama campaign. The fact that his acceptance speech was substantively spectacular should be as much of a given as taking a series from The Pirates this year. Obama’s consecutive hitting streak of policies and governing philosophies inspired a standing room audience from start to finish. Legions of loyal Obama advance scouts can today more confidently canvas the country on behalf of the cause.   

 

The McCain campaign, meanwhile, has tapped its AA affiliate in Anchorage for electoral reinforcements. While the Arizona Senator’s choice of Sarah Palin as battery mate earned him a win in the 24-minute news cycle, McCain’s first significant decision since securing the Republican nomination shows that he is more concerned with candidacy than country. While Palin seems to be a likeable, eventual All Star for the conservative team, she has absolutely no experience at the Major League Level.

 

A nation in the midst of two wars and a severely slumping economy cannot afford to have its number two hitter stumble into her swing while on the job. Palin may help the GOP ticket pickoff a few Hillary-ites who veered too far off their ideological base, yet as an executive barely has earned a place on the 27-person roster. McCain either cynically understands this calculation and proceeded ahead anyway, or really has no clear eye for talent and any proven ability to succeed at the Major League Level.

 

Even in frosty early April, how many Cubs fans would be caught dead with that piece of rat fur around their necks?

Even in frosty early April, how many Cubs fans would be caught dead with that piece of rat fur around their necks?